Why the Best Impressions Come in Small Plates

There’s a piece of advice I’ve given for many years, to the leaders and executives I coach and to my own family members.

“Be an appetizer.”

It usually gets a laugh. Then it gets a pause, because people realize I mean it.

Think about the last great appetizer you had. A perfect bite of something delicious, and maybe something a little unexpected. You remember it. You definitely wanted another one. Nobody has ever walked away from a really good appetizer thinking, “Well, that was too much.”

Now think about the last business dinner that ran one course too long. Dessert arrives late, the conversation has circled back twice, and everyone at the table is quietly checking their phones.

That contrast is the whole idea. At a networking reception, an industry conference, an extended family gathering or a business dinner, you don’t need to fill every minute of someone’s time. You need to make the minutes you share memorable.

For Anyone Who Dreads the Room

Let’s start with the people who would rather skip the event entirely. Plenty of capable, accomplished leaders would rather do almost anything than walk into a networking event.

The reasons are familiar. You won’t know anyone. Small talk feels forced. You picture yourself standing alone with a drink, scanning the room for a familiar face. So you skip the reception, the fundraiser or the industry dinner, and you tell yourself you’ll go to the next one.

This is where being an appetizer helps most. You don’t have to stay all night. You just have to show up.

Give yourself permission to come for an appetizer. Stay for a short while. Set a goal of two good conversations, or a window of forty-five minutes. Arrive early, while the room is still quiet and people are easier to approach. Ask a couple of good questions, share one interesting thing, and when you’ve done that, you’re free to go.

Here’s a secret worth remembering: a good part of that room feels exactly the way you do. When you walk up with a warm question, most people are relieved. You’ve just made their evening easier.

And it’s worth the effort. AI can find you now and summarize your career in seconds. It cannot vouch for you. Trust still travels through people, and relationships still shape the opportunities that come next. Getting to know people can be something you genuinely enjoy, a chance to be curious and learn something you didn’t expect.

The appetizer mindset turns a long, uncomfortable night into a short, purposeful one. And short and purposeful is something almost anyone can do.

The Full-Meal Problem

Then there’s the opposite challenge. Some people have no trouble showing up. Their trouble is knowing when to stop.

Most of us have met the full meal. Some of us have been the full meal.

The full meal comes to a conversation and settles in. They do most of the talking, and most of it is about them. Every story circles back to their career, their latest deal or their vacation. What’s missing is curiosity. They rarely ask a question, and when they do, they’re mostly waiting for their turn to talk again.

The cost goes beyond one long conversation. The full meal occupies a person, or a whole circle, for fifteen minutes or more. Nobody new gets to join. The people at that table miss the chance to meet someone else and learn something new, and so does the full meal. At an event full of people worth knowing, that’s a lot of lost opportunity.

The appetizer works the other way. It asks a couple of good questions first and listens to the answers. Then it shares one interesting thing. People remember how curious you were about them long after they’ve forgotten your résumé.

This rarely comes from bad intent. Usually it’s enthusiasm, a little insecurity, or simply not knowing how to step away. Leaving a conversation gracefully is a real skill, and almost nobody teaches it.

Why Appetizers Win

Appetizers have a lot going for them.

They’re interesting. A good appetizer is designed to make an impression in a small space. There’s no room for filler.

They’re delicious. One great bite beats a plate of average ones.

They make you want more. This is the magic. An appetizer is an invitation. It opens the door to the next conversation, the follow-up coffee, the introduction, the next opportunity.

When you leave someone wanting more, you hand them a reason to come back to you. When you leave someone feeling full or tired, you spend the goodwill you just built.

There’s research behind this. Psychologists call it the peak-end rule: people judge an experience largely by its most intense moment and by how it ended. That’s the science of the appetizer. Hit a high point, and end on it. The person you’re talking to will remember the best moment and the exit. Make sure the exit happens while you’re still at the peak.

It Matters Even More at the Top

Executives don’t have much time. Every senior leader I worked with across my career guarded their calendar, and it’s hard to do. So when you get five minutes with a CEO or leader at a reception, or a quick hallway conversation, the appetizer mindset works in two directions.

It’s a gift to them, because you respect their time. They walk away thinking, “I enjoyed that. I’d like to hear more from her.” It’s a gift to you, because you protect your own time and energy. You can make meaningful contact with more people and still leave the event with energy to spare.

I learned this from the other side, too. Working with large global teams, I loved spending time with people, and I also knew I had to distribute that time well. Before an event, I planned as much as I could: who I wanted to meet and what I wanted to share. I didn’t want to spend an entire event with only a few people when I knew others wouldn’t have the courage to join in. I was determined never to be the person someone needed rescuing from, and when I saw someone who needed a rescue, I made sure to be there for them. The hardest part was accepting that I couldn’t talk to everyone I wanted to. So I tried to make each conversation count.

Some of the strongest impressions I’ve seen people make on senior leaders took under five minutes. The person asked a good question, shared something that made them think, offered a follow-up and moved on. The leader remembered them long after the interaction.

Leave on Purpose

Being an appetizer means you stay long enough to make an impact, and then you leave on purpose. You engage fully and make the minutes count. Then you close the loop with a clear, warm exit. The other person knows you were there, knows you valued the time, and knows how to find you again.

How to Be an Appetizer

1. Know Your Purpose Before You Walk In

Decide what you want from the event: two meaningful conversations, or one specific introduction. When you know your purpose, you know when you’re done.

2. Ask Before You Share

Before you say much about yourself, ask a couple of questions and listen to the answers. The first question gets you past hello. The second one, built on what they just told you, is where you start to know the person. Try “What are you most focused on right now?” and follow it with “What’s making that interesting?” By the time you share something about yourself, you’ll know what will actually matter to them, and they’ll feel heard before they’ve heard your story.

3. Serve One Story at a Time

Pick the most relevant thing about you for this person, in this moment. You can share the rest later. That’s the point of later.

4. Watch For the Signals

A glance over the shoulder. A drink running low. A shift in posture. A pause that lasts a beat too long. These are cues that the course is ending. The best appetizers exit just before they appear.

5. Have Your Exit Line Ready

Many people stay too long simply because they don’t have the words to leave. Prepare one or two in advance:

  • “I’ve loved this. I don’t want to keep you, there are people here who’d love to meet you.”
  • “I’m going to catch my colleague before she heads out, but I’d like to continue this. Can I reach out in the next month?”

6. Leave With A Next Step

The best exits leave a door open: a coffee, an introduction, an article you promise to send. Then follow through. The follow-up is where the next course begins.

7. Set A Time Box

Forty-five intentional minutes can be worth more than three wandering hours.

Appetizers at Home, Too

I’ve used this advice with family as often as with executives. When my kids were starting out in new jobs in new cities, I encouraged them to get out and meet people, even when it felt uncomfortable. My advice was always the same: “Be an appetizer. Go for a little while and get a taste. Then you can leave.”

It works at family events too. There’s real wisdom in being the guest people wish had stayed a little longer. Arrive with energy and be fully present. Then leave while everyone is still smiling. The host gets their evening back, and next time they can’t wait to have you.

It applies to how often you show up as well. Sometimes the best thing you can give a relationship is a well-timed visit that leaves everyone looking forward to the next one.

A Word for the Natural Main Course

Some of you are reading this and thinking, “But I love a long conversation.” Good. There’s a time for the main course. Deep mentoring conversations and long dinners with old friends deserve the full meal.

The skill is knowing which meal you’re at. Most networking events, receptions, hallway moments and first meetings are appetizer moments. Treat them that way, and you’ll earn invitations to the main course.

The Bottom Line

The impression you leave is shaped most by how you leave. So the next time you walk into a room, remember the menu.

Bring your best bite, and leave while they’re still asking for more.

Where in your week could you be an appetizer?